• Beth

I Still have anger in me

Updated: Nov 8, 2019

You know, I still have anger in me. I miss my mother every single day and that makes me furious! I don't understand why she had to fight cancer so hard only to be taken away too soon anyway. She endured so much pain with surgeries, chemo, radiation . . . only to lose out on the long life that she so deserved. She put up with some real shit in her life and she was finally living out her dreams. She didn't want for much. She finally owned her own home and was creating beautiful stained glass and that made her happy!


When I think about it, I just wonder what it was all for. Don't get me wrong, I cherish every moment I had with her, but I could have had that with her without her going through all the bullshit she went through with cancer. And then I feel guilty because she only fought it for me. She didn't want all the treatment. I persuaded her to push through because I wasn't ready to let her go. And in my heart, I really thought she could win. And she did . . . until the damn pancreatic cancer hit her. Even the doctors were shocked. They told her, 'you're so healthy other than the this.'


It seems like just such a waste of all her time. Cancer became her full time job. Constant doctor appointments, tests, surgeries, healing, and on and on.


I've not ever quite been the same myself, since losing her. I have been so lost. She was truly my best friend! My whole heart! All I can do is get by, day to day, and wait until it is my turn to go and be with her again. That is what I look forward to. In the meantime, I work diligently on all the projects that came up while she was going through this awful experience. I feel I owe her that after all she did to just survive for me, as long as she could.


#feelinglost #stillmissingher #cancersucks


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727.432.8856

St. Petersburg, FL 33710

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© 2019 by Beth Pauvlinch